Love Vs. Respect
Why is it that it is sometimes challenging to like and respect the people whom we love?
Love is an emotion of the heart, respect is an intellectual appreciation for the positive qualities and values of another person and understanding their unique needs. While emotions are expressed more powerfully, they can also become destructive if they are not contained and given the proper context and boundaries. Intellect, on the other hand, may be more rational and less passionate, but it enables a person to develop a genuine appreciation and respect for those they love.
Both are equally important for any genuine relationship to thrive, whether in business partnerships, dating and marriage, or maintaining connections with family members.
In this week's Torah portion, Kedoshim, we learn about the foundational Mitzvah of "Love your neighbor as yourself," which Rabbi Akiva deemed the most important principle in the Torah (Talmud, Nedarim 30b).
There is a fascinating and yet perplexing story related in the Talmud (Shabbat 31a): “A gentile came before Shammai and said to him, ‘I wish to convert to Judaism, on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot.’ Shammai drove him away with the builder’s measuring rod which was in his hand. When he came before Hillel, Hillel said to him: ‘What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. This is the entire Torah; the rest is the commentary—go and learn it.”
In analyzing this Talmudic story, many commentators struggle with understanding Hillel’s statement. Why did Hillel formulate his words in the negative instead of maintaining the positive expression the Torah uses: “Love your neighbor as yourself”?
Furthermore, how can Hillel state that this rule is the entire Torah and the rest is commentary?
Granted that it is the essence of all Mitzvot governing our behavior “between man and man”; but the Torah also includes many Mitzvot that are in the realm of “between man and G‑d.” In what way is the Mitzvah to “love your fellow as yourself” the essence of Mitzvot like Torah study, affixing a Mezuzah on our door or celebrating Shabbat?
To appreciate these ideas, we must first explore the very nature of love itself.
We are all born with a natural self-love which motivates many of these things we do and it dictates our behavior and life choices. Even while we develop friendships and relationships and learn to share with others, it may also be motivated by a selfish desire for companionship, honor, or reciprocity. How is it humanly possible to develop an unconditional love for another person, especially in regards to a total stranger?
The Maharsha, Rabbi Shmuel Eliezer Edeles (1555-1631, Poland), a famous commentator of the Talmud, explains that while we are commanded to love others like ourselves, it may not always be easily attainable or even practical, especially regarding matters when’s one own life takes precedence such as in situations pertaining to life and death.
Hillel is therefore teaching us that as we embark on our journey of developing a selfless love, we should endeavor to begin by respecting another and refraining from doing things which are hateful to one’s self. That is indeed a practical goal attainable for ordinary individuals.
The Tzemach Tzedek ( Lubavitch, Russia 1789-1866) elaborates further that Hillel’s unique statement also expresses a much deeper truth regarding the mitzvah of loving your fellow as yourself.
The Talmud (Shabbat 119a) states that "a person sees no flaw within himself." The intent is that our own faults are not as important to us and do not disturb us because we love ourselves. Even if we are intellectually aware of our deficiencies, this knowledge will not evoke an emotional response. Accordingly, our shortcomings give us no cause for concern. We recognize that we have a deeper Divine core that is not defined or limited by our faults.
Hillel's teaching can be understood as "What is hateful to you—having one of your shortcomings revealed—do not do to your fellow." Do not expose their faults and imperfections. Instead, let your love for them cover over their faults to the point that they evoke no repulsion, just as your own faults do not repulse you.
When we love a person because of their very soul, no external shortcomings will interfere with that love. If we are only preoccupied with furthering our self-image to attain personal success and indulge in physical pleasures, it can be challenging to love others like ourselves. Relationships we develop under those circumstances only serve to further our own achievements, and love and care for another person will only endure as long as it remains convenient.
However, in addition to our animal soul which motivates us to care for our own selfish needs, each of us was endowed with a G-dly soul which is literally a part of G-d. This soul motivates us to live a productive and meaningful life and to fulfill our mission on earth through the study of Torah, performance of Mitzvot and acts of goodness and kindness.
The Tanya, authored by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1813, Russian Empire) explains that we are in fact all inherently connected with one another since our G-dly souls are all rooted in the same source. Therefore, in essence, we are all brothers and sisters who share the same parents- our creator. Just as we feel unconditional love for our immediate family, since we are of the same flesh and blood, so too we can feel unconditional love for every Jew, even a complete stranger, for we are all one family.
The more we cultivate a deeper connection and sensitivity to how we view ourselves and the people around us, the more we can truly love one another unconditionally. When we learn to go beyond the physical, to look past the outer concealments, the true existence of the person shines forth.
Based on the above explanation regarding the essential meaning of "love your neighbor as yourself" we can readily understand how it is the basis of all of the Torah.
For the basis and root purpose of the entire Torah and Mitzvot is to elevate the soul and express the inherent unity that exists among all of creation and thereby create a home for G-d in this physical world. When we perform a Mitzvah, we are expressing the true purpose of the particular created being, moment or object.
For example, through Torah study we elevate our mind, by affixing a Mezuzah on our doorpost we are inviting G-d into our home and transforming our living space, and by celebrating Shabbat we are uplifting our workweek and infusing our mundane pleasures with meaning and purpose. In a similar vein, when we give Tzedakah we are elevating our business pursuits and all of our material resources.
The Talmud relates that the second Temple in Jerusalem was destroyed as a result of baseless hatred that existed among the Jewish people at that time. The way we must rectify that and rebuild the third Temple in Jerusalem with the coming of Redemption is through Ahavat Chinam— love for no reason — love even for those in whom one sees no reason to love. Ultimately, Moshiach will usher in an era of unconditional love for all of humanity.
