The Secret to a Happy Marriage
What is the secret to building a happy marriage and a meaningful relationship?
Western civilization has developed exponentially over the last few centuries in many areas such as commerce, medicine, science and technology. Despite all the challenges still facing society today, we are living in a relative prosperous era.
But there is one particular vital area in life that has unfortunately been on the decline in recent years, that is the family fragmentation that has seeped into society in recent years.
What can we do to reverse the corrosion of values and rebuild a healthy family structure? More importantly, what lessons can we implement in our own homes and share with our children to help them forge lasting relationships and go on to build their own families in the future?
Many of the responsibilities pertaining to a Jewish marriage are derived from a few verses in this week’s Torah portion Ki Teizei, “When a man has taken a bride, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose; he shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married”. -Deuteronomy 24:5
The Talmud elaborates on this topic and shares the key to a successful marriage: “Rabbi Akiva taught: If a man [ish] and woman [isha] merit reward through a faithful marriage, the Divine Presence rests between them. The words ish- איש and isha- אשה are almost identical; the difference between them is the middle letter yud in ish, and the final letter heh in isha. These two letters can be joined to form the name of G-d spelled yud, heh. But if due to licentiousness they do not merit reward, the Divine Presence departs, leaving in each word only the letters alef and shin, which spell esh, fire. Therefore, fire consumes them.”
If the couple merit, they combine the energy they each possess to create G‑dly fire: constructive energy that can be used to fuse together the different elements of their existence into a comprehensive whole. If, however, their union is devoid of G‑dliness (G‑d’s name is removed), all that is left is fire, unharnessed energy that can wreak havoc and destruction. Each person has a character of his or her own, a unique potential which only he or she possesses. Because of that uniqueness, it is difficult for one person to communicate and share totally with another, and this results in a fundamental aloneness which all of us feel at times.
What a man and a woman are truly looking for in a marriage is communication — to go beyond themselves and really share with another person.
Given our inherent self-interest, how is that possible? When both partners appreciate a purpose above themselves. By dedicating themselves to a higher goal, they step beyond their ego concerns. This enables them to relate to others selflessly, and think of the other person’s benefit, not only their own. This is achieved by “the fire of G‑d.” mentioned above. A Jewish home has three partners. In addition to the husband and wife, “the Divine presence rests between them,” creating harmony between the two.
There is an old Jewish custom to wish a bride and groom that they should “build an everlasting home on the foundations of Torah and Mitzvot”.
Those words, uttered by millions of Jews throughout history, express the secret of a happy marriage to newlywed couples who are about to embark on their life journey together.
The same can be said of any relationship between business partners, coworkers or acquaintances. As long as the relationship is built on a mutual trust and selfless interests, it can endure differences of opinions or obstacles which are inevitable to arise.
Although the responsibility of ensuring a healthy family life is entrusted both to the husband and wife, the Torah teaches us that women have a greater impact and influence on our family values and priorities.
Our Sages state, “In the merit of the Jewish women we were redeemed from Egypt”. Under the harsh conditions of the slavery in Egypt, the men of the home gave up hope on building a family. The women were the ones who insisted on continuing to build the future of the Jewish people and had the faith that one day they would be redeemed.
“As in the days of your going out of Egypt, I will show you wonders (-Micha)." Just as the redemption from Egypt was due to the merit of the Jewish women, so too, in our times, the future redemption will come especially in the merit of the Jewish women who ensure the continuity of the Jewish people by positively influencing our families and instilling in our children the pride and values of our people.
